


Vampire Pol 9

by pollyglyph



Category: One Piece
Genre: Campy b movie vibes, Comedy, F/M, Ghosts, Halloween appropriate violence?, M/M, Multi, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27302566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pollyglyph/pseuds/pollyglyph
Summary: Kaku was promised more murder and more sex when he signed up to the Vampire Police. He's bored to death by desk work for the Occult Government, or would be if he wasn't already undead.
Relationships: Iceburg/Paulie (One Piece), everyone/iceburg, everyone/paulie
Kudos: 5





	Vampire Pol 9

**Author's Note:**

> Written in constant snorts of “this is SO STUPID”. We might not be able to do much this Halloween but we still have dumb, spooky fics!

Kaku had been initiated into the coven two weeks ago. He was lured to the Vampire Police with promises of a secret society with sharp, sexy outfits and evil, sexy rituals. But it turned out to be a lot of monotonous form filing in reality. No one had informed him that vampires were just office bitches for the Occult Government. They spent most of their time processing box-ticking forms or making harassing phone calls to witches suspected of performing illegal activity without a licence. Illegal activity was perfectly legal, so long as you had the money to pay to make it so.

His colleagues' pallor wasn't from a weakness to the sun, just an unattractive side effect of the long desk hours. Though if they advertised the truth it would be a lot harder to find recruits. He wonders if they'd all been tricked into the job by the promise of a licence to kill, though no one had admitted it.

He's distracted from his paperwork, watching the others get up between forms. They wander frustratedly around the basement office room of the old haunted mansion like junkies in need of a fresh fix.

He spies Kalifa throwing back a cup at the blood cooler, so he goes and pours himself a disposable paper cup full. As the group's human resources manager, she probably knew what was going on.

"Everyone's tweaking." Kaku sips his blood. "They all high on some vampire meth to cope with the boredom, or is there something I don't know about yet?"

Kalifa sighs and shakes her head. "Lots of things. Hm, you'll find out soon enough."

Kaku tuts. "Honestly all the secrets. I can't deal with this vampire malarkey. It all looked much sexier in the brochure, the powers, the violence. Paperwork? Give me a break."

He throws back his blood too. "It'd be bad enough having this constant craving for blood without the constant craving for a bit more excitement around here too. Do those racy midnight orgies even happen, or was that all a big fat lie to sucker me in too?"

"The full moon is due soon," Kalifa says, ambiguously.

Kaku scratches his head. "Does the need for blood get worse around the full moon?"

"Something like that." Kalifa smirks.

She crumples her cup and throws it in the bin. Kaku watches her leave, only filled with more questions after talking to her.

He goes back to his desk and cups his head in his hand, going back over the document he was working on. Some local witching organisation was due to renew their licence but was stubbornly refusing to do so. This was their third notification. Kaku wasn't well trained on the protocol, but presumably action would need to be taken if they didn't do something in a hurry. Maybe there was the prospect of getting out in the field to rough someone up after all.

* * *

Kaku takes lunch at his desk. He was still getting used to his changing palette since becoming a vampire. Everything other than blood left him unsated. He used to love bananas, but as he chomps he's very aware of the fleshy texture of it in his mouth and the dulled smell is almost nauseating as he swallows it down.

He glances around the office. Jyabura was prowling around scratching himself all over manically, and Fukuro was bouncing off the walls just as manic, proclaiming in sing-song for all to hear that Jyabura'd got fleas again. Kaku had seen fights break out in the room before, and it was only a matter of time. He supposes anyone who had chosen to answer the advertisement's slogan, _'have you always desired a life of rampant bloodshed?'_ with a resounding _'yes please'_ probably wasn't there to make friends.

Spandam's voice screeches from his room. "Get in here shitbags."

Jyabura kicks a filing cabinet. "Fuck that. We're on lunch."

"Don't make me repeat myself. Get in here now or you're all getting tortured."

They all groan and drag themselves to his office.

Their boss was a despicable man, standing out as wretched even among their group of deplorables. He insisted on the title of 'master' over boss, though Kaku quickly learned no one honoured his megalomania. When Kaku first met him, he was struck by his haunting presence. There was something inhuman about him he struggled to put his finger on. When he reached out to try to shake his hand and it simply passed straight through him, it finally clicked. He really was a ghost.

"There's some dipshits that won't pay their licence fees," Spandam moans.

Spandam's spectral voice sounds further away than he really was. Kaku had only been there two weeks, but already wishes constantly in his presence that this was the truth and not just an illusion.

"So I'll need you pathetic drones to go make sure I get it."

He lifts his apparitional cup of coffee from his desk and spills it all over himself.

"Shit shit shit!" Spandam screams.

Kaku glances around at the others as they watch him impassively. No one cared a lick.

Spandam throws down his ghost cup and it shoots straight through the floor. "After all these years, they finally work out how to serve me an almost decent cup of ghost coffee and then I go pour it all over myself," he mutters to himself.

"It really is a tragedy you died," Lucci says flatly.

All of them seem tight lipped and hard to decipher, but Lucci most of all.

Spandam smirks and seems to regather himself. "At least one of you cretins has some sympathy."

Lucci's eyes stare through Spandam. "It means none of us will ever get the pleasure of murdering you with our own two hands."

"Why you little shit," Spandam spits. He grabs his ghost sword and hovers straight through his desk towards them all. He points the blade sharply at Lucci. "Right, that's it. You're on this mission, Psycho."

Kalifa gasps. "But the full moon…"

Spandam turns to her, waving his sword wildly. "If he slaughters them all maybe I'd actually have a chance of getting my hands on that money. I don't give a flying shit about the full moon, crazy bitch."

She scowls. "That's harassment."

Spandam glides towards her grimacing. "Oh, you want harassment sweetheart?"

Kalifa kicks him in the balls and he floats to the ground, doubled in agony.

"Wait," Kaku remarks, awestruck, "How did you do that? He's a ghost."

"Study your manual better newbie," Blueno's low bass tones rumble to his left. "It's all in there."

Creased in pain, Spandam reaches out his blade to point up at them, shaking like a squashed insect. The ghost sword completely lacked solid form, so it didn't quite have the aura of threat Kaku assumes he was after. A plastic butter knife would be more deadly.

Spandam continues to thrust it at them regardless. "Pussy, Pinocchio and Deep Throat. You all go too."

Kaku watches as Kalifa kicks him again repeatedly, and Blueno joins her and stamps on his mangled face.

Kaku had thrown his manual aside after a brief first flick through proved unnecessarily wordy, and poorly worded to boot. It read as if someone used a thesaurus to jazz up every other word, rendering the whole text illegible. But as he watches the two of them land hits on Spandam's body that he'd seen simply float through walls, he wonders what secrets he was missing out on.

* * *

Kaku sits on his dusty old coffin bed and pours over the manual in his cobweb ridden old room of the crumbling mansion. Apparently vampires didn't do room service, or maybe millennial dust was just the aesthetic they went for. No matter how he tries, he can't seem to get a fire to light in the cast iron fireplace to warm the bitter cold of the room. Fukuro had called it a ghost draft. Kaku was getting fed up of ghosts.

It's still a nightmare to read, but he tries to stick with it this time. He comes across a paragraph that takes a lot of decoding, but explains the powers obtained when a person goes through the vampirisation process.

The first, the iron body, seems to be what the two of them used to kick the heck out of Spandam. It rendered the body 'hyper solid', making it possible to withstand the hardest of blows and to strike even non-corporeal forms. Kaku tries to concentrate on his body to harden it, but his first attempts prove very random. When he tries to harden his arm, his leg hardens instead. His body doesn't seem to obey him yet.

Another attempt and he ends up with an unintentional erection. He gives up working on powers for the evening and gets into bed with a hard-on jutting uncomfortably in his pyjamas. He can't even seem to work it out with masturbation and gives up on that too. He lies there incredibly frustrated. Getting used to these new powers and how they were changing his body was like going through a second puberty and that was all awkward enough to have to go through once, let alone once again.

* * *

Kaku wakes to the sound of shoes clacking over his creaking wooden floorboards.

"Oh," he says, surprised and a little nervous to wake and see Lucci walking freely around his room. "Good morning," he adds.

Lucci's demeanour had Kaku more on edge around him than most of the others. There was an intimidating yet emotionless quality to the man that was very much the stereotypical vampire disposition. To have him hanging around him as he slept was a disturbing thought.

"Your suit," Lucci states, laying a clothes bag over an old leather chair by the window.

"Thanks," Kaku replies. He swings his legs out of his coffin and gets up, now quite excited. The sexy new clothes weren't an empty promise after all.

Lucci's eyes trace him. "Struggling with your new powers, rookie?"

Kaku glances down and his dick is still hard. "Oh geez." He awkwardly attempts to hide the bulge. "This thing won't go away. I'm at a loss with this iron body thing."

Lucci shakes his head and turns for Kaku's door. "Get it in control before this mission."

Kaku supposes being put on a mission wasn't a reward by how Spandam had handed out their assignments like punishments. But anything had to be better than the desk work.

"Will do." Kaku cringes with embarrassment.

"You know-" Lucci stops in place. Kaku feels him hesitate before continuing to talk, "Kumadori re-wrote that horrendous document. Threaten him and he might give you the original."

Kaku chuckles nervously. "Guess that's how any of you managed to work out that heap of mumbo jumbo. Thanks for the help."

Lucci pulls open the door. "I'm not trying to help you."

"Seems kinda like it."

He turns back round to glare at Kaku. "I mention this only because I'll kill you soon enough if you can't learn to defend yourself."

Kaku gulps. "Friendly."

Lucci leaves the room, and calls back behind him, "You better be prepared for the full moon too."

"Why will no one just tell me what this darn full moon thing's all about?" Kaku shouts after him.

* * *

He manages to grab Kumadori by the hair after breakfast, and drags him into a broom closet. With a bit of persistence in roughing him up, he gives in and hands the basic version over, muttering something about the masses and their lack of appreciation for true poetry.

The new manual is a definite help. Reading it as he's supposed to be filing more papers proves infinitely easier and he tests out some things in his corner of the room with no one paying him much mind. He finally works out how to have a bit more control over the iron body to his great relief. But it was still far too much to work out how to master all the six powers alone in just a few days. He asks his three teammates-to-be to help him start running over the basics after office hours.

They wait until the cover of darkness to set out, for no reason other than vampires seemed to be big fans of melodrama. Kaku tests out his new suit and feels incredibly sharp. Nice lines, breathable and just the right amount of stretch. Maybe he was judging the gig too soon. Things were starting to look up. With any luck he'd get to taste hot, fresh blood and not just the stale stuff from the cooler soon enough.

"Have you mastered the sky walk yet?" Blueno grills him.

Kaku frowns. "Mastered? Heck. I can barely stay in the air for a few seconds." Kaku tries a couple of steps in the air with little success. "But what's this sky walk biz anyway? I thought vampires could fly for real and turn into bats at night or something."

Blueno gasps.

The three all turn to stare at him, their expressions completely disgusted.

Lucci's eyes sharpen. "Don't ever say that again."

Kalifa slides up her glasses. "It's highly offensive."

"Ok, uh, sorry." Kaku shrugs.

Lucci nods upwards and Kalifa and Blueno nod back at him.

Kalifa grabs Kaku by the wrist and pulls him along as the three suddenly leap to the roof of the five floor building.

When she lets go, Kaku falls to the slates, trying to catch a breath. It had taken him by shock.

"Woah, ok, I see," he says, his head spinning.

The others stand on the roof nonchalantly gazing into the distance, unconcerned about him. But admittedly they looked pretty sexy not giving a damn in their own fancy suits.

Blueno clears his throat. "The trick is not to try to jump, but rather to propel your body off the currents of the air."

Kaku sits and lets the words sink in. They make a bit of sense, in theory. He gets back up, a little wobbly, though it could have been just from struggling to find his footing on the steep incline of the roof.

He bends his knees, about to make a test leap, but the clouds begin to shift in the pitch black of the night sky to let a shimmer of light escape between them.

The others turn towards it and gasp.

Lucci crouches down, growling as if in pain as the light of the moon hits his face. "It's getting close."

"We should get you back inside." Blueno kneels hurriedly to scoop Lucci up.

"Go on, go!" Kalifa panics, pushing Blueno on.

They all start to hurry off and Kaku's left alone and very frustrated. They were supposed to be helping him train.

He attempts to follow, but it's difficult to keep up.

"What's going on?" Kaku pants.

Kalifa turns back and looks at him gravely. "It's not the full moon yet, but it's close enough he might yet start to transform. Even if it's just partially, it could get very dangerous."

Kaku shakes his head. "Look, you're not making sense."

She stops suddenly and dramatically and Kaku crashes into the back of her. She used the iron body, and it felt like smashing against an iron wall.

"Lucci is a werewolf," she says, ominously.

Kaku rubs his face and takes a moment to recover from the impact and also to process her words. "Wait, how can he be a werewolf if he's a vampire?"

Ahead of them, Lucci snarls heavily in Blueno's arms. "I was always a werewolf. Then I became a vampire."

Blueno joins in. "It's not rare you know so stop being so pass-remarkable. Jyabura's a werewolf vampire too."

"Oh come on. This is ridiculous!" Kaku throws his arms into the air. "Next you'll be telling me he's a ghost werewolf vampire."

Kalifa grabs him and pulls him after her. "Well, if either of them died they would be."

"Wait, I thought we were undead?" Kaku replies, stumbling a little behind her. "Was that a load of baloney too?"

Blueno chuckles. "Afraid so, chump."

"Oh that's just swell isn't it? No immortality. No murder. No sex. Nothing." Kaku frowns.

Kalifa jumps again before Kaku's ready for it and he screams as they plummet to the ground.

* * *

For the next couple of days, Kaku practices all the powers he can, as often as he can. If some witches' paperwork didn't get to the government in time and they got sentenced to a burning over it, then they could deal with that petty problem themselves.

Kalifa offers to coach him on her own, but he soon finds out that her patience is incredibly thin and her anger is incredibly volatile. If she weren't quite so strong, her stiletto kicks to the face might have been intensely erotic, but he worries that perhaps they could have been the reason Spandam's face was so hideously smashed out of shape. He didn't fancy finding out for sure, so he calls it off with her and opts to train on his own again.

On the whole, Kaku feels grossly underprepared for the mission when it comes time for it. He only hopes the others know what they're doing because he certainly doesn't. Not with his vampire powers, and not with the details of the mission either. All he knows is if they didn't return back to the mansion to Spandam with the forms and late fines in hand, the four of them could look forward to a lot worse than a fine and it probably wouldn't just involve Spandam's pathetic ghost sword this time.

And, of course, it was the night of the full moon.

He's able to keep up now as they leap through the city from roof to roof, but his sky walk is still all clumsy steps like a new-born foal and he feels the others judging him silently. As the barely sustained conversation turns to their hatred of witches, Kaku's glad their judgement of him goes unspoken. For all they complained about comments towards themselves, they seemed quick to discriminate towards others. The hypocrisy was rampant.

"Ugh, witches," Blueno mutters. "Good for nothing but firewood."

"Degenerates." Kalifa tuts.

"Filth." Lucci growls.

* * *

They reach the headquarters of the Ghouley La Company and leap over the high gates and land on the front steps.

Lucci knocks the door. "Open up, broom carpenters."

A small flap slides back revealing just a man's eyes. "Password," he demands, through smoky breaths.

An incredibly alluring scent wafts out through the hatch, and Kaku sniffs the air curiously, the smell filling him with a deep, primal hunger. It probably wasn't just whatever cigar the man was smoking unless the witch was puffing some bewitching tobacco he'd never heard of. The feeling was unfamiliar and it confuses him just as much as it arouses him.

"What's that smell?" Kaku asks, distractedly.

He locks eyes with the man and for a moment he seems to blush nervously, though Kaku can't see enough of his face to tell for certain.

"Vampire Pol," Blueno drawls. "You know the drill."

They hear the blond man shuffling behind the door. "Yeah, I'm going to need to see some ID first if you don't know the password," he continues pressing.

Lucci hammers the door with a fist. "Open up before we smash this door into your face."

The witch laughs with surprising confidence. "I don't care if you're the Devil himself. New company policy."

"Open the door, virgin," Kalifa threatens.

"Whaa-? I'm not-" he stammers.

Lucci rolls his eyes. "Don't play dumb with us. We're vampires. We can smell it all over you."

Kaku hums. "Oh, is that what the smell is?"

"Let it be known that we did ask nicely." Blueno shoots a look to Lucci. "Do I have the go ahead?"

Lucci nods at him.

"Nicely?" The man at the door spits. "There was nothing nice about it."

Blueno runs a hand along the brick wall at the side of the building. He seems to search for a particular spot and when he finds it, he places his back up against the wall. Kalifa presses Blueno's chest and pushes him through the wall as easy as opening a door.

"Is this another of the powers?" Kaku asks.

"No, I'm a half ghost," Blueno replies as Kaku passes. "I may not be able to go through things, but when I'm in contact with them I can make it so they can be passed through temporarily."

Kaku scoffs. "Being a werewolf vampire I can just about accept, but this is too much. You can't be half ghost, half not. And a vampire on top of that."

Lucci steps in last, then they're all in.

Blueno steps away from the wall, then towards Kaku threateningly. "My mother was a ghost. Don't you dare desecrate her memory."

Kaku steps back nervously. "It might _almost_ make sense if your mother was the one that was still alive. How the heck did that even work?"

Blueno glares at him. "My father was a master of the iron body technique."

Kaku remembers his earlier problem with the iron body, puts it together with knowledge of its ability to hit non-corporeal bodies and blushes. "I... get the gist."

"What?" Paulie shouts, running towards them. "How did you all manage to get in here?"

"I'm a half ghost," Blueno begins.

Kaku shakes his head. "Don't make him explain it."

Paulie steels himself. Ropes slide out the ends of his sleeves as if by magic. "Vampires, ghosts… I don't care what the hell you guys are, crooked pigs. You're not getting any further."

"We'll drink you dry, virgin." Kalifa matches his ropes with a whip that she pulls from a holster on her leg and gives it a loud crack. "I call. Any objections?"

Paulie binds his ropes in his fists and crouches low. "I'll end you, filthy cop whore."

"Why you!" Kalifa snaps her whip across the witch's face and he reels from the sharp impact.

Lucci flexes his fingers, claws beginning to pierce out the tips. His transformation seemed imminent. He snarls eagerly. "I want him."

"Fine, we share," Kalifa concedes. "But I get first bite for that comment of his. Blueno?"

Blueno shakes his head. "Mid-twenties isn't bad. But you know I prefer a vintage."

Kalifa shrugs. "Suit yourself."

"I want him!" Kaku shouts and the noise echoes down the corridor. They all stare at him. Kaku almost foams at the mouth. "Let me in on it. The smell, it's driving me wild. I need it, his blood."

Blueno chuckles. "And so the rookie awakens."

"Three on one?" Paulie swallows nervously. He grits hard into his cigar. "Fine by me. I can take you all. And you'll never get those documents!"

"Documents?" Lucci smirks. "Yes, we were being so driven by our bloodlust we'd almost forgotten about those."

Kalifa smirks. "Dumb witch scum."

"Shit." Paulie grimaces.

Kaku follows Kalifa and Lucci as they start to move in towards the rope witch.

"Uh, look over there!" Paulie points, and they all turn round to look.

He throws his ropes towards a curtain drawn over the nearby window and tugs it open to reveal the full moon light glaring angrily through.

Lucci collapses to the ground and howls, his body shaking and contorting ferally as it begins the change.

Kaku and Kalifa go to him.

"Idiots," Blueno calls. "He's running away!"

Kaku turns and sure enough, the witch is at full pelt down the hallway.

"Bastard," Kalifa snaps. "Blueno, take care of Lucci."

She gets up and chases after Paulie. Kaku sprints after her, almost wild with hunger.

They reach a crossing in the mansion, with a route continuing up the same direction, another up a wide staircase and a third turning off to the right.

"That wretch," Kalifa complains. "Which way did he go?"

"Geez Louise." Kaku scratches his head, looking around himself. "He could have taken any of them."

"Look out!" Blueno's voice carries down the hall in echoes. "Lucci's loose."

Kalifa pulls Kaku behind the stairs as Lucci races past, looking completely lost to his animal instincts.

"Follow him," Blueno says and grabs them as he approaches. "With his heightened werewolf senses, he probably knows exactly which way he went."

They trail Lucci up the stairs.

* * *

Lucci leads them all up to a room at the very top of the building. He bursts in through the double doors and they follow him in.

Lucci darts straight towards Paulie who stands in the middle of the room holding a cross out before him.

"You're not getting Iceburg." Paulie growls.

Lucci swipes it out of his hands and they stand off with each other, Lucci baring teeth and claws and Paulie reels back out his magic ropes that glow in the moonlight cast from the windows. They seem to ward Lucci back somewhat.

There's a man seated at his desk at the back of the room, and he stares at them gravely. He stands up, raising his hands. "So you've finally come for it then? The licence form. Well, I should have known this day would come." He shakes his head. "I always thought this licence fee felt like a dirty government bribe, but it's not worth fighting over this. I'll pay it."

"Mr Iceburg, don't hand it over," Paulie calls back. "They're all completely corrupt."

Iceburg's voice raises in panic. "I have no choice Paulie."

"This smell," Kaku exclaims as he sniffs the air and it's even more ripe and sweet smelling. "But how? Both of them?"

"This man must be almost forty years old," Kalifa remarks, awestruck.

"A forty year old virgin." Blueno smirks. "An incredible vintage. Delicious."

"Well," Iceburg's face turns red. "I'm not forty yet." He scratches his arm. "I… just haven't had the time for it."

Blueno grunts in heavy arousal. "Mm just imagine, the intense depth of flavour. I need him to taste him, now."

Paulie jumps towards Blueno, flailing his ropes. "You won't get through me."

"Get away, pipsqueak." Blueno knocks Paulie aside and he falls to the floor.

"Paulie!" Iceburg shouts.

Paulie's body flinches on the floor and Lucci stalks towards it.

Iceburg reaches for his desk drawers. He pulls out a gun. He points the barrel straight at Lucci. He cocks it. "Go near him werewolf, and I'll shoot."

Kaku watches Iceburg's hand shake. It's likely an empty threat, but he couldn't be sure.

"That gun," Kalifa exclaims. "Lucci, those might be-"

Lucci dives for Paulie's body, teeth bared. The sound of gunfire cracks loudly. Lucci falls to the ground, gripping his shoulder.

"Agh," Lucci winces. A puddle of blood pools out around his body. "Silver bullets," he growls as he gradually reverts back from his werewolf form and goes pale and still.

"One down," Iceburg threatens. He cocks his gun again. "I really didn't want to have to kill him, but, well, if it was a choice between this and letting the love of my life be killed in front of my own eyes, mm well, you left me with no other option."

Paulie glances over at him from the floor. "Sir, I…? Is it true? But, uh, why didn't you tell me before?"

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing to be honest." Iceburg scratches his chin awkwardly. "And now you know the truth, hm, you must be disgusted."

"No," Paulie blurts, struggling up to his feet. "You know I've always-"

Kalifa cracks Paulie with her whip, and it knocks him back down again. "Oh shut up the two of you," she says. "This is repulsive."

Iceburg turns his gun towards her. "Mm, I won't warn you again."

She whips the gun out of his hand and it clatters to the floor.

Blueno closes in on Iceburg, and now he's disarmed, Blueno easily grabs him, forcing his arms behind his back.

"Iceburg!" Paulie exclaims.

"Damn, you smell incredible." Blueno sniffs up Iceburg's neck, licking his lips. "I'll enjoy this. So don't worry, I'll take it slow."

Blueno runs his tongue along Iceburg's neck.

Kaku watches confused as Blueno soon appears to choke.

"I'm afraid you've fallen for my trap," Iceburg explains, as Blueno gradually weakens his hold on him and Iceburg manages to break free.

"Garlic… vampire poison…" Blueno mutters, gasping for breath. "Of course. Your intoxicating virginity masked the scent." Blueno collapses to the ground wheezing. "How could I have been so…"

Blueno turns purple then goes still.

"That's two," Iceburg warns again. "Now make this easy on yourselves and give up."

"Iceburg, that was incredible," Paulie says in awe.

Kaku admits the man seems formidable. Who knew what cards he had left in his hand? Kaku is still raging with bloodlust, though it seemed he'd need to calm himself and think things through more if he didn't want to end up dead like the other two.

"Hm," Kalifa says. "Blueno will be a full ghost soon enough now. And Lucci will be your ghost werewolf vampire too."

"What should we do?" Kaku asks.

She glances around the room, studying it. "The mature one is intelligent. The younger one seems thick as bricks. We focus on him."

Paulie darts for the gun.

Kaku gasps. "He's making a break for it!"

Kalifa wraps her whip round Paulie's wrist to hold him back. He continues to struggle on, dragging her along with him.

She huffs, tugging back. "Stronger than he looks."

Paulie kneels down for the gun, cocks it and points it back at her.

She laughs. "Silver bullets won't affect me. I'm not a werewolf."

"No, but now you're distracted." Paulie throws out his ropes and binds her.

She screams, writhing in the rope. "What is this? Did you coat these ropes in garlic too?"

"A spell of protection," Paulie smirks. "Iceburg?"

Iceburg throws Paulie a stake of wood and a hammer, and Paulie dives for her, driving the stake into her heart.

"I underestimated you," she states, then goes limp and falls to the floor.

"Three," Paulie declares.

"Give up," Iceburg says. "Your friends are dead."

"Friends?" Kaku laughs. "Just co-workers," he corrects.

Paulie points the gun at him and shoots.

Kaku manages to harden his chest with the iron body just in time and the bullet bounces off him.

Paulie flinches. "What?"

"Careful Paulie," Iceburg calls, "Vampires have some strange powers. But, hm, I'm surprised this is the first time we're seeing one."

Kaku watches Paulie turn incredibly red and he points accusingly. "Pervert. He's getting turned on by all this."

Kaku glances down, and there's a bulge in his trousers again. "Oh bull plop. I thought I'd got this technique mastered by now."

Paulie shoots again, and again the bullet bounces off him.

Kaku frowns. "You know it might not kill me, but it still hurts."

Paulie shrugs. "Do I look like I give a shit?"

Kaku grins. "You're desperate. Out of options."

He starts to move towards him and Paulie keeps shooting in a panic until the gun's empty.

Kaku reaches out for Paulie's shaking hand, and in his shock, the witch doesn't resist. "You know, this will be the first time I've tasted hot blood straight from the tap." Kaku presses a kiss to Paulie's knuckles. "I wonder how you'll taste. Sweet? Salty? Umami?"

Kaku feels his throat closing over. "No," he shrieks. "You too?"

"Garlic all over," Paulie laughs, as Kaku's hand slides off his.

"I'm just as stupid as the rest of them," Kaku chokes, sliding to the floor. "I thought…" he wheezes, "I was better…"

"Good luck in hell," Paulie quips as Kaku goes still.

Kaku feels trapped in his own body, unable to move. He supposes he was probably dead now, though he still feels quite consciously aware of everything going on around him. There was likely some type of refractory period between death and leaving your body as a ghost. He tries to sigh but he can't. He'd have to get used to a whole lot of new changes all over again as a ghost.

Iceburg picks up the forms and tears them up. He chuckles. "Well, I guess we won't be needing these."

Paulie goes to him, chuckling too.

Iceburg sits up on his desk and Paulie lies over him.

Kaku watches them making out on top of the torn forms and something about the innocence of it all as they take turns taking each other's virginity actually makes Kaku smile, though of course the smile's really just hypothetical with his dead body unable to move a muscle.

* * *

The four of them hover in front of Spandam incredibly ashamed of themselves. They'd all died on the mission and apparently that was enough to get the sack over. Kaku finds it tellingly hypocritical of Spandam considering he'd probably died on the job too.

There was nowhere in the city willing to take a ghost vampire on for work, despite the many places he tries. In desperation, he finds himself floating back to the Ghouley La Company headquarters.

Paulie snaps, "No," with great contempt, and justifiably so. But Iceburg sends him back out about an hour later to say that he'd take pity on him and would be willing to give him a trial period so long as he promises not to try to kill them again.

It really was very generous of him, so Kaku decides to try his best not to.

He finds he quite enjoys learning how to turn wood and make brooms and there is warmth that fills the room when the two carpenter witches are in there working with him, alive with gentleness and their new, blossoming love for each other. Kaku wonders whether this ability to read a room was a new ghost power he'd acquired, a vampire power or just a power of human empathy he never knew he had.

He stays with them, learning how to build brooms for a few peaceful years until he accidentally reaches a state of inner peace and passes on.


End file.
